That really god fucking awful moment where every thing bad that can happen just does and you’re not prepared for it and you’re the only one who’s going to get you through it and you’re falling apart.

I feel like crying but I can’t. I’m just gonna go to sleep. 

Fuck my teeth and fuck all of this. 

I mean for fuck’s sake…

So it’s 1:30 a.m. I’m stressing out. I’m inspired. I want to write my college essays and get some what back on track with everything. I should be sleeping. I’m starting to really feel this time crunch and I think I’m finally stepping out of this almost zombie-like state I’ve been in for the past year. Make that years. I can’t really describe or explain everything but I need to get it out. This is totally starting to get real and I’m nervous. Not in starting a new phase in my life, rather the start not going according to plan. It’s funny because there is no plan at all. I’ve been a zombie. Zombies don’t plan. Still, I have expectations I’ve been formulating since I started high school and I’m petrified I’m not going to meet them. I’ve built this up for years, leaving New fucking Jersey and all the twats and assholes here. I don’t want to be like my friends, the past graduates, everyone around me. I can’t. For the longest time and probably still today, I’ve been perceived as a pessimist because I’m miserable here. While that may be true, the label I’ve gotten from that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have so much hope, so much curiosity, so much good faith in the world, but I’ve lost it for here. I want to get out to find what I’m looking for. I know there’s so much out there, I can’t be trapped in this town anymore. I’m so excited and scared. I have less than a month to present myself the best I possibly could or I’m not going to get where I want, where I need to go. Shit. Okay.